Bake All Night

If you have yet to hear Denver, Coloradan quartet Speedwolf, I'll fill you in:  They sound like the unruly,  baseborn spawn of Motorhead and Venom. So basically, they're fucking perfect.
What you're really hearing is a bunch of dedicated fans of metal, that simply want to be a part of it all.

Their debut full-length album Ride With Death, features songs about Satan, drugs, and motorcycles. Awesome.

Colorado was mostly settled by prospectors during the Gold Rush, so its history is primarily based in the Wild West. Today, Colorado has one of the largest populations of bikers in the entire country. The horses of the olden days, have become the motorcycles of today. Most members of Speedwolf grew up around bikers, and have "Hogs" of their own, so it's no surprise that this is where they draw their inspiration from.

The last song on Ride With Death is "Denver 666." It's a fucking great tune, and it's become a full-fledged anthem for the Denver metal scene. The video (made by drummer Richie Tice and his boss Zach Palin), is so great! Although part of me always worries for Mr.Tice's safety as he pulls a "Teen Wolf," and rides the roof of his van.

In honor of Speedwolf, I did my best to make these cupcakes as "Colorado-y" as possible. They feature Coors in both the cake and the frosting. Yes, that sounds totally weird and disgusting, but trust me, they're good!!

I've also posted them with High-Altitude directions. If you're not baking these in the mountains, see the list of necessary adjustments below.

Speedwolf- Bake All Night

 Makes 24

Metal Constituents:

• 2 1/3 cups all-purpose flour*
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1/2 cup non-fat dry milk
• 1 box (3.4oz) vanilla instant pudding mix
• 1 cup Coors
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil*
• 4 eggs

For the Frosting:

• 2 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
• 3 cups powdered sugar
• 3 Tablespoons of Coors

For the Wolf Heads:

• 1 cup dark chocolate chips, melted
• 4 ounces cream cheese, room temperature
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 2 Tablespoons hot water
• 6 Tablespoons peanut butter
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 3 cups powdered sugar
• 2 lbs brown candy melts
• 4 graham crackers
• 12 red hots candy
• 24 mini chocolate chips

Merciless Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 375* degrees. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups, and set aside.
2. In the bowl of an electric mixer, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder, dry milk, and pudding mix.
3. Add beer, and vegetable oil, then continue to whisk.
4. Add eggs one at a time, mixing well after each addition.
5. Beat at high speed until mixture is thick, creamy and smooth.
6. Fill each baking cup about 2/3 full.
7. Bake for 14-17* minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of one cake, comes out clean.
8. Allow cakes to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
9. To make the frosting: Beat butter in the bowl of an electric mixer until smooth.
10. Add powdered sugar and Coors and continue to beat on high speed until light and fluffy.
11. Frost completely cooled cakes.
12. To make the Werewolf heads: Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, and set aside.
13. Place chocolate chips in a microwave-safe bowl, and nuke for 30 seconds. 
14. Stir, then nuke again at 15 second intervals until melted and smooth, stirring after each time.
15. Place melted chocolate chips, cream cheese, vanilla, hot water, peanut butter, salt, and powdered sugar in the bowl of an electric mixer.
16. Mix the ingredients until the candy is uniform in color & consistency.
17. Check the texture of the candy- you want it to be firm enough to be easily shaped into a ball, but not too dry and stiff. If it's too wet, add more powdered sugar, a Tablespoon at a time, to get the right texture. If it's too dry, add more hot water, a teaspoon at a time.
18. Using a spoon, scoop up a small amount of candy and roll it into a ball.
19. Pinch a bit of it in the front to make about a ½ inch “snout,”and place onto your baking sheet.
20. Repeat with remaining candy until you have 24 werewolf heads.
21. Place the candy melts in a microwave-safe bowl, or a tall plastic tub like the ones you get when you order a large soup to go, from a Chinese restaurant.
22. Heat the candy in the microwave for 30 seconds, then stir.
23. Repeat until the candy is completely melted and smooth.
24. Break each graham cracker into 4 pieces, along the perforations. 
25. Cut these pieces into small triangles between 1/4-1/2 inch tall. These will be your werewolf ears.
26. Once the candy is melted, dip the bottom of a graham triangle in the coating, and press it into the top of a werewolf’s head.
27. Repeat with a second triangle to form a pair of ears, and continue until every werewolf has two ears sticking up out of the top of its head.
28. Refrigerate the werewolves to set the coating, about 5 minutes.
29. Once the candy holding the ears in place is set, use a couple of forks or dipping tools, to dip one werewolf head into the melted candy coating, submerging it completely.
30. Place the head back on the baking sheet and repeat with remaining heads.
31. To create the texture of the werewolf’s fur, the candy coating needs to set just a little bit--you want it to be tacky to the touch, but not liquidy. I suggest you either let the tray of dipped candies sit at room temperature for 5-10 minutes, or place it in the refrigerator for 15-30 seconds.
32. Once the werewolves are tacky to the touch, use a fork or toothpick to give your werewolf heads a textured, “furry” look.
33. Repeat with remaining heads.
34. To finish your werewolves, press a mini chocolate chip into the top of the snout for the wolf’s nose.
35. Cut a red hot in half, and press the two halves into the head for eyes.
36. Refrigerate the truffles to set the coating completely.
37. Place one werewolf head on top of each cupcake.
38. Bake 'till the morning light.

 *When making these cakes at a normal height above sea-level:

• Use 2 cups AP Flour
• Use 1/3 cup vegetable oil
• Reduce oven temp to 350 degrees
• Bake 20-25 minutes

Here's the totally kick-ass video for "Denver 666:"

And here's "Up All Night" to listen to while you're baking (all night). Enjoy!

 

Bake As Needed For Pain

The first time I heard about Eyehategod, was when my 10th grade crush showed up at school wearing one of their t-shirts. Even though I no longer LIKE like that kid, I've never gotten over Eyehategod. Way back then, I remember finding In The Name of Suffering buried in the "Grunge" section at a record store. Ha! The truth is, it's hard to categorize them, and they could give a fuck about labels anyway.
Nobody else sounds like Eyehategod. I hear that feedback, and I immediately brace myself for the crushing riffs that are about to destroy me.

They've got to be one of the only relevant bands that can still sell out a venue 13 years after their last full-length album was released. They pacify us with the occasional split, single, and live DVD, but a new record is what most fans are hungry for. A lot of the delay is due to label drama, time constraints (most members are in other bands as well), and hurricane Katrina.
Katrina took a great toll on the band because not only is New Orleans their home, it's almost like another member of the band. These guys are proud of where they come from for sure. Like in any big city, New Orleans has it's share of police corruption and "bad areas."  In a way, Eyehategod sees the seedy underbelly of society as the real truth about humans and human nature.
This is their truth, and it's also yours.

On a side note, if you're interested in dark, negative poetry, I suggest you check out vocalist Mike IX's book: Cancer As A Social Activity.

This recipe is an interpretation of a traditional New Orleans King Cake. King Cake is around every year during Mardi Gras. It's basically a huge cinnamon bun with a tiny plastic baby baked inside. The person who ends up with the slice containing the baby, is supposed to have good luck or something. I've also read that the person who gets the baby has to buy next year's King Cake. If that's the case, it seems like surviving the choking hazard is where your good luck ends.
Because Eyehategod is way more metal than babies, I suggest you reference their album cover and use a plastic (or real, if you've got one laying around) human tooth instead.

Eyehategod:
Bake As Needed For Pain

Makes 12

Metal Constituents:

• 1/2 cup whole milk, warm but not hot (110 degrees to be exact)
• 2 (1/4 oz) packages dry yeast
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 stick unsalted butter, melted
• 3 egg yolks
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
• 2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup cake flour
• 2 teaspoons cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon salt

For the filling:

• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• 4 teaspoons sugar
• 1 (8oz) package of cream cheese
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• Plastic tooth
• 1 large egg, lightly beaten

For the glaze:

• 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
• 1 1/2 tablespoons hot water
• 1 teaspoon lemon juice
• Black food coloring

   
Merciless Instructions:

1. In the bowl of an electric mixer, stir together milk*, yeast, and 1/4 cup sugar. *Make sure your milk isn't too hot, or it will murder your yeast.
2. Cover with a kitchen towel, and set in a warm place for about 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, the mixture should be foamy and smell very yeasty. If not, I'm sorry but your yeast is dead. Start over with new yeast.
3. In another bowl, whisk together butter, egg yolks, vanilla, lemon zest, and lemon juice.
4. In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together both flours, cinnamon, and salt.
5. Add flour mixture and butter mixture to the milk mixture.
6. Using the dough hook attachment on your mixer, beat until dough is smooth and forms a shaggy mass. Feel free to add 1 or 2 Tablespoons of flour if it seems too sticky.
7. Place dough in a bowl that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray.
8. Cover with a kitchen towel again, and let rise in a warm place for about an hour.
9. While your dough is rising, make your filling: In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat together cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla. Set aside.
10. After the hour is up, punch down your dough (brutal), and place on a lightly floured surface.
11. Roll dough into a 12 x 8 inch rectangle. 
12. Spread cream cheese mixture in a thin layer all over your dough.
13. In a small bowl, stir together cinnamon and sugar.
14. Sprinkle evenly over the cream cheese mixture.
15. Roll dough into a log, and cut into 12 equal pieces.
16. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups.
17. Place one roll in each baking cup.
18. Pick a lucky (sort of) cake, and shove the tooth into it somewhere.
19. Let rest 30 minutes.
20. While your dough is resting, preheat oven to 375°.
21. Once the 30 minutes are up, brush cake tops with beaten egg, and bake for 20 minutes.
22. Allow the cakes to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
23. In a small bowl, combine powdered sugar, water, and lemon juice. 
24. Stir in enough black food coloring to reach desired, godless shade.
25. Drizzle glaze over completely cooled cakes.
26. Cake fed from a dog, since the day I was born.

Here's some live footage of Eyehategod playing "Take As Needed For Pain." Enjoy!

Red Velvet Horse

Early Graves is a band from San Francisco that combines the best elements of a lot of stuff. They're Hardcore, Punk, Grind, and kinda Thrashy, with a sprinkle of Swedish Death Metal on top. I don't know if one genre can adequately sum them up, but I do know this: They're awesome, and I love them.
I liked Goner a lot, but I really, really love Red Horse. I must have listened to that album at least 80 times on repeat when I first got it. It made elbowing my way onto the subway in the morning, a whole lot more enjoyable.

They finished recording Red Horse two years to the day that their original vocalist Makh Daniels was killed in a car accident while on tour. The song "Pure Hell" is named after a back patch that Makh wore. It's about living your life to the fullest and giving everything you've got. Which is exactly why they didn't dissolve the band after Makh's death. As devastating as it is to walk away from an accident, when your close friend and brother wasn't so lucky, quitting and giving up doesn't honor anyone.
Keep living. Keep fighting.

These cakes were inspired by the title track off Red Horse. As a further tribute to Early Graves, I suggest using Ghirardelli chocolate. Like its fellow Bay Area exports, Ghirardelli is fucking sweeeet!


Early Graves: Red Velvet Horse

Makes 30

 Metal Constituents:

• 2 1/2 cups cake flour
• 4 tablespoons Ghirardelli cocoa powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
• 2 large eggs
• 1 oz red food coloring
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• 1 cup buttermilk
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 2 teaspoons distilled white vinegar

For the frosting:

• 2 packages (8oz each) cream cheese, room temperature
• 6 Tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 cups powdered sugar
• 1/3 cup canned sweetened cream of coconut (such as Coco López)
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/4 teaspoon coconut extract
• Mini Ghirardelli chocolate chips 
• red sanding sugar

 Merciless Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups, and set aside.
2. In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together cake flour, cocoa, and salt.
3. In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat together sugar and oil until combined.
4. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.
5. Mix in food coloring and vanilla.
6. Add flour mixture in three batches, alternating with buttermilk.
7. Stir together the baking soda and vinegar in a small bowl (it will foam up- fun!)
8. Add mixture to the batter, and continue to mix for about 10 seconds.
9. Fill each baking cup about two-thirds full.
10. Bake for 20-25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of a cupcake comes out clean.
11. Allow cakes to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
12. To make the frosting: Beat cream cheese and butter in large bowl until smooth.
13. Add powdered sugar, cream of coconut, and both extracts. 
14. Beat until light and fluffy.
15. Pipe frosting onto completely cooled cupcakes.
16. Top with mini chocolate chips and red sanding sugar
17. Red Velvet Horse is coming through.

Here's the official video for "Red Horse." Enjoy!



Also, if you're ever in Chicago, use this toilet at Ultra Lounge (it's the coolest one in the city):

Agent Orange Juice Cakes

Over the years, Metal has saved people from lots of things like vapid Pop Music, a boring Saturday night, and organized religion.
In 1982, Metal saved Tom Angelripper from spending the rest of his life working in the coal mines of Gelsenkirchen, Germany. How completely awesome to go from probably one of the worst jobs ever, to creating the best job ever -for yourself, and to still be successful 30 years down the road! Few people, if any, can say they've done the same.
Sodom's first record was more occult metal, then with Persecution Mania, they became an anti-war Thrash band. Angelripper has said in many interviews that he would like to live in a peaceful world. He feels there's not much he can do to stop wars from being fought, so he writes about them in his music, and then screams about them on stage.
In the 90s, when most Thrash Metal bands quit, or changed their style to sell more records, Sodom stayed true. During this time they released Better off Dead, Tapping the Vein, Get What You Deserve, and Masquerade In Blood. I personally recommend all four.

Sodom is considered one third of the great German Thrash Trinity which also includes Kreator and Destruction. Omne trium perfectum.

Sodom: 
Agent Orange Juice Cakes

Makes 18

Metal Constituents:

• 1 1/2 cups cake flour
• 1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 cup sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 2 teaspoons orange zest
• 3 tablespoons freshly squeezed orange juice
• 1/3 cup milk

For the Cream Filling:

• 2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 3/4 cup powdered sugar
• 1/4 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

For the Orange Glaze:

• 2 cups powdered sugar
• 3 tablespoons fresh squeezed orange juice, strained (No Pulp!)
• 1 tablespoon orange-flavored liqueur (Grand Marnier or Cointreau)
• Orange food coloring

For the Royal Icing:

• 2 ½ cups powdered sugar
• 3 tablespoons pasteurized egg whites*
• 1 tablespoon warm water

*Since this royal icing isn't cooked, you'll need to buy egg whites that have been pasteurized instead of just cracking open some eggs and using those whites.You can usually find these in the dairy section at a grocery store by the Egg Beaters.

  

 
Merciless Instructions:
 

1. Pre-heat oven to 350°F. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups, and set aside.
2. In a medium bowl, sift together the cake flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.
3. In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat the butter at medium speed until creamy, about 30 seconds.
4. Gradually add the sugar and beat at high speed until light and fluffy.
5. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.
6. Beat in the orange zest and orange juice until blended (the mixture will look curdled at this point).
7. Reduce the speed to low and add the flour mixture in three additions, alternating with milk.
8. Mix until just combined.
9. Fill each baking cup about 2/3 full.
10. Bake for 18 to 22 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of one cupcake comes out clean.
11. Allow the cakes to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
12. To make the filling: In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat the butter at medium speed until creamy.
13. Gradually add powdered sugar and beat at high speed for about 3 minutes.
14. Add the cream and vanilla. Beat for another minute.
15. To fill the cupcakes: Use a paring knife, cut a small X in the center of the bottom of each cupcake.
16. Hold the cupcake upside-down, and poke the pastry tip about halfway into the cupcake. 
17. Squeeze the filling into the cupcake until you feel a slight pressure on the top of the cake, and it begins to bulge. 
18. Repeat with the remaining cupcakes. Set the filled cupcakes aside while you make the glaze.
19. Make the orange glaze: Sift powdered sugar into a small saucepan. Stir in orange juice and liqueur to make a smooth paste.
20. Heat over moderately high heat until just warm to the touch.
21. Remove from heat and stir in enough orange food coloring (or about 5 drops yellow, 1 drop red) to reach the shade you desire.
22. Leave the glaze in the saucepan on the lowest heat.
23. Carefully dip the top of each cream-filled cupcake into the glaze, letting the excess drip off. You may need to stir the glaze after dipping each cupcake, just to ensure that it’s smooth.
24. To make the Royal Icing: Combine powdered sugar, egg whites, and water in the bowl of an electric mixer.
25. Beat on high for 5 minutes. Your icing should be fairly thick, if it's too thin, add more powdered sugar and beat until smooth.
26. Across the center of each cupcake, pipe a row of horizontal squiggles, the Sodom logo, or any anti-war message that comes to mind. 
27. Enjoy this fire that doesn't burn.

Here is some live footage of Sodom playing "Agent Orange" at Wacken in 2001.
Dankeschön!

Weed Monkey Cakes

Certain people were just born to front a band. "Dixie" Dave Collins from Weedeater, is one of these people. There's no way he could ever spend his days sitting at a desk crunching numbers, selling used cars, or serving as an Au Pair for twins. Thank Glob he found his way behind a bass and a microphone to show us all how sludgy Weed Metal, should be done.
No, it's not just a metal urban legend; In early 2010, Dixie accidentally shot off his big toe while cleaning his favorite shotgun. This caused a temporary delay in the recording of their fourth album Jason...The Dragon. I'm glad he's okay now, and I hope he's a bit more careful with the remaining nine.
Dixie also narrated the film Slow Southern Steel. Have you seen it yet? It's really great! It's a documentary about Southern culture and the Southern Metal scene. C.T. from Rwake directed and produced it. In addition to Weedeater, they talk to Acid Bath, Black Tusk, Eyehategod, Sourvein, Beaten Back to Pure, and Hank III.

God Luck and Good Speed is one of my favorite records of all time. I probably haven't gone more than a day or two without listening to at least part of it since I got it. It's so good, it's like I need it. I'm really not sure how I was ever happy before I had it! Their cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Gimmie Back My Bullets," is so fucking genius, it will make you question who is covering who.

These cupcakes were inspired by the song "Weed Monkey."
They're full of bananas and Mary Jane-- candies, that is!  I also used molasses in this batter, which I feel is an appropriate food equivalent to Weedeater's slow, heavy riffs. If you suffer from Glaucoma (and you like to party), here are some simple instructions on how to make a more suitable butter replacement for these cupcakes.

Weedeater: Weed Monkey Cakes

Makes 18

 Metal Constituents:

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 stick butter, room temperature
• 2/3 cup molasses
• 1/4 cup sour cream
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 large eggs
• 2 large ripe bananas, peeled and mashed
• 10 Mary Jane Candies, each cut into 6 small pieces (about the size of chocolate chips)

For the Frosting:

• 2 cups powdered sugar
• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature
• Pinch of salt
• ¾ cup creamy peanut butter
• 2 1/2 Tbs milk

 Merciless Instructions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups, and set aside.
2. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Set aside.
3. In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat butter and molasses until uniform in color.
4. Add the sour cream and vanilla, and continue beating.
5. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.
6. Add flour mixture in 3 parts, beat until just combined.
7. Add bananas, but be careful not to overmix.
8. Fold Mary Jane pieces into the batter.
9. Fill each baking cup about 2/3 full.
10. Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into one cupcake comes out clean.
11. Allow to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
12. To make the frosting: Beat together sugar, butter, and salt until creamy.
13. Add peanut butter and beat well.
14. Add milk and beat until smooth and creamy.
15. Frost completely cooled cakes.
16. I bake. I need to.

Here's some live footage of Weedeater playing "Weed Monkey," complete with Dixie throwing some fireworks into the crowd. Enjoy!

No Cupcakes for Christmas + GIVEAWAY!!!

Anybody who knows me, even a little bit, knows I love King Diamond. He's just so great! Besides being a founding member of the infinitely influental band Mercyful Fate, then continuing to break new ground with his amazing solo career, he's just a really awesome person.
He's insanely brilliant, a completely gifted artist, and very polite. I don't think I've ever read or seen an interview with him where he was anything less than gracious. And his last album was entitled Give Me Your Soul... PLEASE.  He is truly a King amongst Metalheads.
Also: best make-up in the biz!

After Mercyful Fate broke up due to creative differences, King Diamond took a few members of the band with him, and launched his solo career. He released his first single on December 25, 1985. It was entitled "No Presents For Christmas," and it remains a classic to this day. 

In case you haven't heard, this single was just re-released by Roadrunner after 27 years! Because I love King Diamond almost as much as you, my darling readers, I'm giving away one reissued vinyl picture disc of King Diamond's "No Presents For Christmas." 
Yes, it's true!

All you have to do to enter this giveaway is:

• Leave a comment in the comments section below telling me what your favorite thing about King Diamond is.
• I will then print out all the comments, and literally draw one out of a hat to select the winner. 
• Everyone is eligible to enter (meaning I have no problem shipping internationally), but you are only allowed to enter once.
• The deadline to enter is Noon (Chicago time) on Tuesday, December 25th, 2012. That way if Satan Claws fails you that morning, you'll still have time to enter the giveaway.
• I will announce the winner here, shortly after the deadline.
• Good luck! 

And the winner is:

(the sound cuts out briefly in the middle, and I'm a total dork)



Jeff Williams!
Congratulations! Thanks again to everyone who entered, and to everyone who has ever read Metalcakes or tried a recipe! I'd be nothing without you.


Long live the King.

King Diamond:
No Cupcakes For Christmas

Makes 12

Metal Constituents:

For the pie crusts:

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 4 1/2 teaspoons sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 stick cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
• 1 large egg yolk, lightly beaten
• 2 tablespoons ice water

For the pie filling:

• 3 1/4 cups fresh cranberries (12 ounces)
• 1 1/4 cups sugar
• 1 3/4 cups water
• 1 1/2 teaspoons blood orange zest
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• Pinch of ground cloves
• 3 tablespoons cornstarch
• 1/4 cup blood orange juice

For the whipped cream:

• 1 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream
• 2 1/2 Tablespoons powdered sugar
• 3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

*If you're lazy, you can substitute frozen pie crust and whipped cream from a can. But c'mon... live a little!

 

Merciless Instructions: 

1. Make the pie dough first: Pulse flour, sugar, and salt in a food processor to combine.
2. Add butter and process until the mixture resembles coarse meal, about 10 seconds.
3. Add egg yolk, and pulse a few times again.
4. With machine running, add ice water in a slow, steady stream
5. Process until dough just holds together, no longer than 30 seconds.
6. Remove dough and shape into a disk.
7. Wrap dough in plastic, and refrigerate at least 1 hour or up to 2 days.
8. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
9. On a lightly floured surface, roll out dough to 1/8 inch thick.
10. Cut out 12,  4 1/8-inch wide rounds (I used a large, wide-mouth coffee mug that was just about the right size and worked great), and fit into the cups of a standard 12-cup, cupcake tin. 
11. Flute the edges of the crust using a fork or your fingers.
12. Pierce bottoms with a fork about 3 times.
13. Freeze 15 minutes.
14. Line each shell with parchment paper, and fill with pie weights or dried beans to prevent the bottoms from puffing up during baking.
15. Bake 15 minutes.
16. Remove weights and parchment, and bake again for 5 minutes or until bottoms are just turning golden,
17. Allow to cool in the pan for 5 minutes before removing pie crusts to a wire rack to cool completely.
18. To make the pie filling: Bring 2 cups cranberries, 1 cup sugar, and 1 1/2 cups water to a boil in a medium saucepan.
19. Reduce heat, and simmer mixture, stirring occasionally, until cranberries have burst, about 5 minutes.
20. Pour through a fine sieve and discard solids. You should have about 1 3/4 cups. If you have less, add water.
21. Bring strained cranberry juice, 1/4 cup sugar, zest, salt, cinnamon, cloves, and remaining 1 1/4 cups cranberries to a boil in a medium saucepan, stirring occasionally.
22. Reduce heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, until cranberries are soft but have not burst, about 3 minutes.
23. Strain mixture again, and return to the pot.
24. In a small bowl, whisk together cornstarch, blood orange juice, and 1/4 cup water.
25. Whisk blood orange juice mixture into cranberry mixture.
26. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly.
27. Cook, stirring, until translucent and kinda gelatinous, about 1 minute.
28. Pour into completely cooled, prepared shells.
29. Refrigerate until set, about 1 hour, or as long as overnight.
30. To make the whipped cream topping: Chill your mixing bowl and whisk attachment in the fridge for 20 minutes before using- 5 minutes in the freezer if you're pressed for time.
31. Pour the cream into the cold mixing bowl, and whisk on medium-high speed until it starts to thicken.
32. Slow the mixer to medium speed, and gradually add powdered sugar.
33. Continue to whisk until soft peaks form.
34. Add vanilla, and whisk until stiff peaks form.
35. Pipe whipped cream onto each mini pie.
36. There's no cupcakes, not this Christmas!

Here's some live footage of King Diamond playing "No Presents For Christmas." 

Happy Holidays from Metalcakes!

Dommedags-Nougat Cakes

Thorr's Hammer was only an active band for about 6 weeks in 1994. They recorded an EP, played 2 shows, and have enjoyed kvlt status ever since.
Runhild "Ozma" Gammelsæter was a 17-year-old foreign exchange student from Norway when she joined Thorr's Hammer along with guitarists Stephen "Soma" O'Malley and Greg Anderson, as well as drummer Jamie Sykes and bassist James Hale.
The first time I heard Thorr's Hammer, I couldn't believe how crushingly heavy they were! They make me feel like I've looked up just in time to see a rock avalanche plummeting towards me, then like I'm desperately trying to escape the crushing cascade in slow-motion, until the song ends. So good!!
 After Ozma went back to Norway, Soma, Greg, & Jamie played together in Burning Witch for a few years, but when Greg founded Southern Lord Records in 1998, Dommedagsnatt was release #1.

These days, Ozma uses her PhD in cell physiology to serve as president of a biotechnology company in Norway. And of course in addition to running Southern Lord, Greg plays in Sunn O))) with Soma.

Thorr's Hammer did reunite briefly for 2 festival shows in 2009 & 2010, but it doesn't look like they're going to release any new material. To be perfectly honest, that's fine with me. Their only record will always be perfect and awesome, I couldn't ask for more.
"Dommedagsnatt" means "Doomsday Night" in Norwegian. It's a song about the night before the end of the world. So basically, these are "Doomsday Nougat" cakes.

Thorr's Hammer: 
Dommedags-Nougat Cakes

Makes 24

 
Metal Constituents:

For the Nougat*:

• 2 cups sugar
• 2/3 cup light corn syrup
• 2/3 cup water
• 2 ounces unsweetened baking chocolate
• 2 egg whites, room temperature
• 1/3 cup malted milk powder
• 1/8 teaspoon salt

*You will also need a candy thermometer

For the cupcakes:

• 9 Tablespoons (1/2 cup + 1 Tbsp) unsweetened cocoa powder 
• 1 1/2 cups cake flour 
• 1/4 teaspoon salt 
• 1 teaspoon baking soda 
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder 
• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature 
• 1 1/2 cups sugar 
• 1 cup malted milk powder 
• 2 large eggs 
• 1/2 cup cream soda 
• 1/2 cup milk

For the frosting:

• 3 1/2 cups powdered sugar
• 1 cup unsweetened dark cocoa powder
• 1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1/2 cup milk
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

For the caramel drizzle:

• 1 cup light-brown sugar
• 1 stick unsalted butter
• 1/4 cup evaporated milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• Pinch of salt

 
Merciless Instructions: 

1. Make the nougat first. Of course, if you're too scared to make your own nougat, or you're extremely pressed for time, you can substitute with a mini 3Musketeers or Milky Way bar in each cupcake- But don't wimp out! It's really not that hard. Plus you'll have a much better sense of accomplishment if you make everything yourself, instead of just unwrapping a bunch of little candy bars.  
2. Prepare an 8x8 pan by lining it with parchment paper, and spraying it with nonstick cooking spray.
3. Place the sugar, corn syrup, and water in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Stir until sugar dissolves. 
4. Brush down the sides of the pan with a wet pastry brush to prevent sugar crystals from forming, then insert a candy thermometer. 
5. Once the sugar has dissolved, cook without stirring until the temperature reaches 260 degrees. 
6. While you wait for the correct temperature, chop the chocolate into small pieces and place in a microwave-safe bowl. 
7. Microwave for 30 seconds, then stir. Continue microwaving at 15 second intervals until melted and smooth. Set aside to cool slightly.
8. Place egg whites in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment. 
9. When the syrup reaches 250 degrees, begin to beat the egg whites on medium speed.
10. Once the sugar syrup reaches 260 degrees, remove the pan from the heat. I recommend that you pour the hot syrup into a large glass measuring cup with a spout to make this next step easier.
11. Turn the mixer to high speed and slowly pour in the sugar syrup, letting it run down the inside of the bowl. 
12. Continue beating on high speed for about 5 minutes, until the egg whites are shiny and stiff. 
13. Turn the mixer speed to low, add the melted chocolate, salt, and malted milk powder. Mix until smooth. 
14. Scrape the nougat into the prepared pan and, using an offset spatula, smooth it into an even layer. 
15. Allow it to cool at room temperature until it's completely set.
16. Once your nougat has set, cut it into 1 inch cubes.
17. To make the cupcakes: Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups, spray each baking cup with non-stick cooking spray, and set aside.
18. In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together cocoa powder, cake flour, salt, baking soda, and baking powder.
19. In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat together the butter, sugar, and malt powder until smooth and creamy.
20. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each one.
21. Stir together the cream soda and milk.
22. Add flour mixture in 3 parts, alternating with the milk mixture. 
23. Fill baking cups about 1/2 full, or a little less (if you're using mini candy bars, place one in the center of each batter-filled baking cup now, and bake for a full 15-20 minutes).
24. Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and press one nougat square into the center of each cupcake.
25. Put cakes back into the oven for another 5-10 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake part of one cupcake comes out clean.
26. Allow to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
27. To make the frosting: In a small bowl, whisk together powdered sugar and cocoa powder. Set aside.
28. In the bowl of an electric mixer, whisk butter until smooth.
29. Add milk and vanilla.
30. Add cocoa powder mixture, and continue to whisk at medium speed until frosting is fluffy and lighter in color.
31. Frost completely cooled cupcakes.
32. To make the caramel: Combine brown sugar, butter, evaporated milk, vanilla and salt in a small saucepan over medium heat. 
33. Cook, stirring constantly, until thickened. About 15 minutes.
34. Remove from heat and allow to cool for about 10 minutes before drizzling over each frosted cupcake. As your caramel cools, it will stiffen up. Either use it while it's still warm, or pipe onto cupcakes if it has cooled completely.
35. Én bakes det meste i hans siste timer.

Here's some live footage of Thorr's Hammer playing "Norge" at a 2009 reunion show. The song gets cut off a little bit at the end, but this was the best live footage I could find. Enjoy!

And here's "Dommedagnsnatt" to listen to while you're baking:

Pineapple Juju Cakes

Okay, Okay... I know Alice Cooper is far more glam than metal, but the band and the man are not entirely un-metal either.
His love of horror is pretty metal, and he's definitely the Godfather of Shock Rock. In the late 60s and early 70s, his live antics and on-stage aesthetics were quite revolutionary (even if that chicken incident was an accident). He was one of the first performers to wear make-up for shock value, and his live shows would regularly include electric chairs and guillotines on stage. Plus, like Kiss, he's been a gateway into heavier music for a lot of kids.

Now that we've gotten that argument out of the way, the main reason I wanted to post a recipe for Alice Cooper is because he's involved in a memorable incident involving cake. At one of his concerts in 1979, while performing "Black Juju," someone hit Alice square in the face with an entire Pineapple Upside-Down cake. When he gets hit, instead of freaking out, he just incorporates the cake into the show and even eats a big chunk of it.
Here's the footage:



So many questions! Did someone bring him that cake as a gift, and then they were so disappointed with the show, they threw it at him instead? That doesn't seem likely. And why would someone put that much effort into smuggling an entire Pineapple Upside Down cake to the front of the stage? Plus to me, it seems like such a waste of perfectly good cake! Whatever the reason, you have to admit, Alice handled it like a pro.

These days Mr. Cooper spends most of his time golfing, and winning celebrity spelling bees.
But hey, he will always be an important figure in the early days of a scene that would eventually create all the Heavy Metal we know and love. Thank-you Alice.

Alice Cooper:
Pineapple Juju Cakes

 

 

Placement of pineapples & cherries before adding batter

Makes 18 -of course!

Metal Constituents:

• 3/4 cup light brown sugar
• 3 tablespoons butter, melted
• 1 can (8 oz.) pineapple tidbits in juice, drained
• 18 maraschino cherries, patted dry
•  2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2/3 cup granulated sugar
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 large eggs
• 1/3 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup milk

 
Merciless Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Grease 18 muffin cups with butter, and set aside. 
2. In a small bowl, mix together brown sugar and butter. 
3. Spread one heaping teaspoon of brown sugar mixture into the bottom each prepared muffin cup. 
4. Place one cherry in the center of each muffin cup, then 4 or 5 whole pineapple tidbits around it.
5. In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. 
6. In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat together eggs and oil. 
7. Add flour mixture in 3 parts, alternating with milk. Mix until just combined.
8. Scoop batter into prepared muffin cups, filling about 1/2 way full. 
9. Bake for 18 to 20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of one cake comes out clean. 
10. Allow cakes to cool in the pan for 1 minute, then run a knife around the edge of each cupcake. 
11. Place a wire rack on top of your muffin tin, then quickly flip it over, allowing your cakes to fall out of the pan.
12. Replace any pineapple pieces that may have stuck to the pan.These cakes are best served warm.
13. Clutching and biting this cake, my soul has caught on fire.

Here's the full version of "Black Juju." Enjoy!



And here's some footage of Alice Cooper playing "I'm Eighteen." It's my fave!

Cake of Bees

Out of all the Neo- Psych, Doom Metal bands in existence, I have to say Witchcraft is my total fave.
They formed in Örebro, Sweden in 2000 as a Pentagram cover band. Then they released the single "No Angel or Demon," which got them signed to Rise Above. They've been releasing great records ever since. I will never get tired of their heavy, yet seemingly effortless, retro-doomy riffs, and catchy hooks.
Part of the reason why they sound so awesome is because they record their music analog, and on vintage equipment. Their music really feels like it's not of this time. It's as if they were frozen thirty-five years ago, and have recently thawed out.
I think my favorite song by Witchcraft is the B-side to their "If Crimson Was Your Colour" single, entitled "I Know You Killed Someone." Oh man... It is super fantastic! Their new record Legend is scheduled for release in a couple of days on Sept 25th. It's their first new album in 5 years. I really can't wait to hear what Magnus Pelander and company have in store for my ears this time.

This recipe was inspired by another one of my favorite Witchcraft songs, "Queen of Bees." The star ingredient in these cakes is of course, Honey.

Witchcraft: Cake of Bees 

 

Makes 18

 
Metal Constituents: 

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup buttermilk
• 1/4 cup honey
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1 stick butter, room temperature
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 teaspoons lemon zest 

For the frosting:

• 1 stick unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 package (8oz) cream cheese
• 1/4 cup honey
• Honeycomb cereal 
• more honey for garnish

Merciless Instructions: 

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups, and set aside.
2. In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside.
3. In a small bowl whisk together buttermilk, honey and vanilla. Set aside.
4. In the bowl of an electric mixer, cream together butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
5. Add eggs, one at a time beating well after each addition.
6. Add lemon zest, and beat until combined.
7. Add flour mixture in 3 batches, alternating with buttermilk mixture, beginning and ending with flour mixture.
8. Fill baking cups about 2/3 full.
9. Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into one of the cupcakes comes out clean.
10. Let cupcakes cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
11. To make the frosting: In the bowl of an electric mixer, whisk together butter, cream cheese, and honey until fluffy and smooth.
12. Frost completely cooled cakes.
13. Top with a piece of Honeycomb cereal, then drizzle with more honey.
14. Your cakes look so sweet, are they what they seem?

Here is some live footage of Witchcraft playing "Queen of Bees." Enjoy!




Also, while researching this post, I learned the Swedish word for cake is "Kaka." Seriously, Kaka.

Slowly We Root (Beer)

America's Wang (Florida) is the land of oranges, Disney World, and old people. It's also home to the almighty Florida death metal scene, of which Obituary are fine representatives.  Their abrupt tempo changes, blast beats, and guttural growls helped to create and define the genre.  We also have Producer Scott Burns of Morrisound Studios in Tampa to thank as well.
Brothers John and Donald Tardy, along with guitarist and good friend Trevor Peres, formed Obituary in 1984. They were originally called "Executioner," then "Xecutioner," before finally going with "Obituary" on their classic 1989, debut full length, Slowly We Rot. 18 years later, to signify a rebirth, they released the appropriately titled Xecutioner's Return.
In addition to these 2 records, I also highly recommend Cause of Death and World Demise.
Obituary are unstoppable, and still going strong. They're touring right now!
Other marvelous Florida Death Metal bands include Death, Cannibal Corpse, Morbid Angel, and Deicide. See what I mean? An almighty scene to say the least.

To honor this kick-ass, genre-defining band, I give you:

Obituary: Slowly We Root (Beer) 

Makes 36

 

Metal Constituents:

• 2 1/4 cups all purpose flour
• 1/2 cup dark cocoa powder
• 2 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups brown sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup + 2 tablespoons heavy cream
• 2 sticks unsalted butter, melted
• 3 Tablespoons Root Beer Extract
• 1/4 cup sour cream
• 2/3 cup Root Beer (I recommend Virgil's)

For the frosting:

• 11 Tablespoons butter, room temperature
• 8 oz cream cheese, room temperature
• 4 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
• 3 cups powdered sugar

 

Merciless Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups, and set aside.
2. In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.
3. In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat together brown sugar and eggs.
4. Add cream, butter, and root beer extract.
5. Add sour cream, and mix until well combined.
6. Add flour mixture in 3 parts, alternating with Root Beer.
7. Fill baking cups about 2/3 full.
8. Bake for 15-18 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of one cupcake comes out clean.
9. Allow to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
10. To make the frosting: Beat butter and cream cheese in the bowl of an electric mixer until light and fluffy.
11. Add vanilla extract, and ice cream. Beat until combined.
12. Add powdered sugar, one cup at a time, beating well after each addition.
13. Frost completely cooled cupcakes. 
14. Fight them all, join me. Slowly we root (beer).

Here's some live footage of Obituary playing "Slowly We Rot." Enjoy!