Sunday, May 5, 2013

Bake As Needed For Pain

The first time I heard about Eyehategod, was when my 10th grade crush showed up at school wearing one of their t-shirts. Even though I no longer LIKE like that kid, I've never gotten over Eyehategod. Way back then, I remember finding In The Name of Suffering buried in the "Grunge" section at a record store. Ha! The truth is, it's hard to categorize them, and they could give a fuck about labels anyway.
Nobody else sounds like Eyehategod. I hear that feedback, and I immediately brace myself for the crushing riffs that are about to destroy me.

They've got to be one of the only relevant bands that can still sell out a venue 13 years after their last full-length album was released. They pacify us with the occasional split, single, and live DVD, but a new record is what most fans are hungry for. A lot of the delay is due to label drama, time constraints (most members are in other bands as well), and hurricane Katrina.
Katrina took a great toll on the band because not only is New Orleans their home, it's almost like another member of the band. These guys are proud of where they come from for sure. Like in any big city, New Orleans has it's share of police corruption and "bad areas."  In a way, Eyehategod sees the seedy underbelly of society as the real truth about humans and human nature.
This is their truth, and it's also yours.

On a side note, if you're interested in dark, negative poetry, I suggest you check out vocalist Mike IX's book: Cancer As A Social Activity.

This recipe is an interpretation of a traditional New Orleans King Cake. King Cake is around every year during Mardi Gras. It's basically a huge cinnamon bun with a tiny plastic baby baked inside. The person who ends up with the slice containing the baby, is supposed to have good luck or something. I've also read that the person who gets the baby has to buy next year's King Cake. If that's the case, it seems like surviving the choking hazard is where your good luck ends.
Because Eyehategod is way more metal than babies, I suggest you reference their album cover and use a plastic (or real, if you've got one laying around) human tooth instead.

Bake As Needed For Pain

Makes 12

Metal Constituents:

  • 1/2 cup whole milk, warm but not hot (110 degrees to be exact)
  • 2 (1/4 oz) packages dry yeast
  • 1/4 cup sugar
  • 1 stick unsalted butter, melted
  • 3 egg yolks
  • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
  • 2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 cup cake flour
  • 2 teaspoons cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt

For the filling:
  • 1 (8oz) package of cream cheese
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 4 teaspoons sugar
  • Plastic tooth
  • 1 large egg, lightly beaten

For the glaze:
  • 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
  • 1 1/2 tablespoons hot water
  • 1 teaspoon lemon juice
  • Black food coloring

    Merciless Instructions:

    1. In the bowl of an electric mixer, stir together milk*, yeast, and 1/4 cup sugar. *Make sure your milk isn't too hot, or it will murder your yeast.
    2. Cover with a kitchen towel, and set in a warm place for about 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, the mixture should be foamy and smell very yeasty. If not, I'm sorry but your yeast is dead. Start over with new yeast.
    3. In another bowl, whisk together butter, egg yolks, vanilla, lemon zest, and lemon juice.
    4. In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together both flours, cinnamon, and salt.
    5. Add flour mixture and butter mixture to the milk mixture.
    6. Using the dough hook attachment on your mixer, beat until dough is smooth and forms a shaggy mass. Feel free to add 1 or 2 Tablespoons of flour if it seems too sticky.
    7. Place dough in a bowl that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray.
    8. Cover with a kitchen towel again, and let rise in a warm place for about an hour.
    9. While your dough is rising, make your filling: In the bowl of an electric mixer, beat together cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla. Set aside.
    10. After the hour is up, punch down your dough (brutal), and place on a lightly floured surface.
    11. Roll dough into a 12 x 8 inch rectangle. 
    12. Spread cream cheese mixture in a thin layer all over your dough.
    13. In a small bowl, stir together cinnamon and sugar.
    14. Sprinkle evenly over the cream cheese mixture.
    15. Roll dough into a log, and cut into 12 equal pieces.
    16. Line a cupcake tin with baking cups.
    17. Place one roll in each baking cup.
    18. Pick a lucky (sort of) cake, and shove the tooth into it somewhere.
    19. Let rest 30 minutes.
    20. While your dough is resting, preheat oven to 375°.
    21. Once the 30 minutes are up, brush cake tops with beaten egg, and bake for 20 minutes.
    22. Allow the cakes to cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.
    23. In a small bowl, combine powdered sugar, water, and lemon juice. 
    24. Stir in enough black food coloring to reach desired, godless shade.
    25. Drizzle glaze over completely cooled cakes.
    26. Cake fed from a dog, since the day I was born.

    Here's some live footage of Eyehategod playing "Take As Needed For Pain." Enjoy!

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