Wee Cakes of the Snowgoat

One of the most metal movies of all time has to be Conan The Barbarian.
It's a classic tale of oppression and revenge with lots of animal pelts, long hair, swords, decapitation, and James Earl Jones (uh... Vader?).
At one point in the movie Conan says that when he dies, he will go in front of Crom, God of the Earth, who will ask of him the "Riddle of Steel." If he doesn't know the answer, Crom will mock him and cast him away from Valhalla. No one wants that, so in addition to seeking revenge against Thulsa Doom, Conan works to unravel the Riddle of Steel.

So. Fucking. Metal.
It seems only natural that this band from LA named themselves after Conan's lord! Phil Vera has been the only consistent member of Crom since they formed in 1992. One thing is clear about Crom, no one can tame them. From their less-than-legal use of numerous samples, to their allegiance with the coca leaf, they're a metal band unlike any other. They bridge the gap between metal and punk. Kids from both scenes love them.
This recipe was inspired by their song "Wee Hours of the Snowgoat" off their album Hot Sumarian Nights. No coca leaves are used in this recipe, only coconuts. It requires the use of a special, yet inexpensive mini cupcake pan. Hopefully you have one already. Also, mini cupcakes tend to dry out faster than normal sized ones, so please use this as an excuse to scarf them all down in one sitting.

To honor Crom, and their inability to be tamed, I present to you:

Crom: Wee Cakes of the Snowgoat

Metal Constituents:

• 2 14oz cans of unsweetened coconut milk
• 2 cups All-Purpose flour
• 2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 1/3 cups sugar
• 3 large eggs
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup reduced coconut milk
• 3/4 cup sweetened, shredded coconut

For the Frosting:

• 2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
• 1/3 cup reduced coconut milk
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1 whole coconut, split in half

Merciless Instructions:

1. Reduce coconut milk by bringing to a boil in a large saucepan over medium-high heat.
2. Reduce heat to medium-low and boil until reduced to 1 1/2 cups, stirring occasionally *this takes about 25-30 minutes
3. Remove from heat, and allow to cool completely before transferring to a small bowl.
4. Cover bowl, and allow to chill in the fridge. You can do this step up to 2 days ahead of time.
5. Preheat oven to 350 degrees; line a mini-cupcake baking tin with liners and set aside.
6. Whisk flour, baking powder, and salt together in a medium bowl
7. Beat butter in the bowl of an electric mixer until smooth
8. Add sugar and beat on high until well blended
9. Add 2 eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition
10. Beat in vanilla and remaining egg
11. Add half of flour mixture, and beat on low
12. Add 1 cup reduced coconut milk, mix until just blended
13. Add remaining flour mixture and mix until blended
14. Stir in shredded coconut
15. Fill baking cups about 1/2 way full
16. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of one cupcake comes out clean.
17. Allow cupcakes to cool in the pan for 10 minutes, before removing them to a rack to let them cool completely.
18. To make the frosting: Beat butter in the bowl of an electric mixer until smooth
19. Add sugar, 1/3 cup coconut milk, vanilla extract, and salt. Beat until well blended.
20. Switch mixer to high and beat until light and fluffy
21. Pipe onto completely cooled cupcakes
22. To make coconut goat horns: using a vegetable peeler, peel a long strip of coconut meat from the inside of a whole coconut that has been split in half.
23. Roll strips into curls, and place them into the frosting on either side of the cake.
24. Bake these cakes, crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.

Here's some footage of Crom playing "Zamora."
They're so awesome!



"Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System?!?"